


Harry Potter and the Ford Ex Machina

by SpringyFredbearSuit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 11:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 8,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19356043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpringyFredbearSuit/pseuds/SpringyFredbearSuit
Summary: What if Harry was rescued from the Dursley's by Mr Weasley and his Ford Anglia instead of Hagrid. Featuring a perpetually stoned Dumbledore, Snape with a methlab, the Ford Anglia as Harry's familiar and many more drugs and adventures in this fascinating story of Harry's high life.





	1. Suspicious Smoke that Smelled of Socks

It was a dark night of November the first, nineteen eighty-one. All was calm in Surrey as the wind blew calmly, the stars shone brightly, and a large man flew past on a flying motorcycle. The man continued his odd flight above Surrey until he reached a small road in Little Whinging. Somehow, he managed to land the thing without crashing, falling out or waking up the residents. As he got closer to his destination, the surrounding area got suddenly foggy. As he dismounted the motorcycle, the large thought the fog smelled suspicious… similar to socks.  
“Hagrid my boy, how was the journey?” the shorter man asked, pulling something out of his pocket while Hagrid got baby Harry out the sidecar of the motorcycle.  
“The trip was fine, but it got very foggy as I touched down Dumbledore.” Hagrid replied, wondering what exactly Dumbledore was getting out.  
“Don’t worry about that, I’m just high. Pomona grows some good weed you know” Dumbledore said, as he put the spliff to his lips and lit it, using the muggle street lamps to light his spliff with his deluminator.  
“I have the child Dumbledore” Hagrid said, as he put Harry on the Dursley’s doorstep. As he was about to leave, Dumbledore placed a letter along with a small baggie of weed on Harry’s basket.  
Hagrid started to question Dumbledore’s limited sanity as he slowly backed away until he reached his motorcycle. It was far easier to ignore Dumbledore’s stranger moments. Hagrid did just that as he decided on which flavour of rock cake to bake tomorrow evening.  
“For compensation” Dumbledore mumbled to absolutely nobody as Hagrid flew away. Dumbledore mind wandered elsewhere when he spotted a stray cat and chased after it.  
Dumbledore woke up the next morning wearing a bin bag on top of the slide in the local park.


	2. The Dursleys Summon a Demon

Harry was woken up in his usual fashion this Sunday morning by his cousin falling down the stairs. Of course, Harry lived in the cupboard under the stairs, so this was both funny and inconvenient as it woke Harry up from his sleep.

"BOY!" Uncle Vernon yelled as he yeeted Harry out of the cupboard and into the kitchen. "Make us some breakfast, we can't keep the devil waiting, now can we?".

Aunt Petunia nodded encouragingly.

Harry started making cereal for the Dursleys, putting the milk in before the cereal as per their request. They did this awful deed as it apparently made them more attuned the Satan himself.

After serving them their breakfast, Harry got the post which now arrived on Sundays also. Uncle Vernon thought it was a sign that they angered the devil.

He started flipping through the letters, hoping there was anything interesting or at the very least, something other than bills. He was about to hand Uncle Vernon the letters, but he saw one that piqued his curiosity. It felt different to the others and had a large red wax seal. Harry was just about to open it, but it was snatched out of his hands by Uncle Vernon who was redder than the seal on the letter.

"PETUNIA, GET THE CANDLES, THE SEAL IS RED!" Vernon shouted as he shut all the curtains.

Dudley got extremely worried. Red letter seals could only mean one thing. The devil was clearly angry with them. Petunia dashed in holding five candles, carefully placing them onto the floor in a pentagram formation.

"WE NEED BLOOD FROM THE BOY!" Uncle Vernon yelled as he flattened Harry and cut his arm with a ritual knife. Harry gritted his teeth as the Dursleys started chanting unintelligible gibberish around the hastily created pentagram. Harry's letter suddenly burst into flames, which was followed by a flash of light. Once the light faded, nobody could believe what happened next.

Standing in the middle of the pentagram was none other than JK Rowling.


	3. Ford to the Rescue!

"Hello there, I am JK Rowling. I have come from the depths of hell to bring you knowledge of your futures."

"Heck." Harry replied, only to be met with a glare from demon Rowling.

"Let's start with the fat one" JK Rowling replied as she looked at Vernon.

"You will die after struggling to sign a petition to keep Jeremy Clarkson as a Top Gear host. The thought of him being replaced gave you a heart attack." Vernon tried to respond to her but only managed some incoherent stuttering about how they could replace him.

She then turned to Petunia and told her "You will die alone. That's about all I know which shows how little impact you have on the plot." Petunia asked about this 'plot' but was ignored in favour of revealing Dudley's future.

"You willingly give Harry Christmas cards." She didn't need to say anything else as Dudley fainted at the horrific thought. Finally, JK Rowling, looked at Harry with a demonic look of glee in her eyes and said…

…absolutely nothing as a blue Ford Anglia crashed through the wall and hit the demon Rowling, causing her to vanish into thin air.

The Ford Anglia's horn played 'Never Gonna Give You Up' and flashed its headlights comedically once the dust settled.

A man with orange hair stepped out of the car, holding a spliff. He excitedly shook Harry's hand and opened the door for him.

"I'm Mr Weasley, sorry about the car, I am still working out the kinks. Whoever put the musical horn enchantment on the car need to rethink their priorities." The Ford Anglia shut its door on Mr Weasley in response.

"Maybe it's the weed talking but the car just wacked me" Mr Weasley groggily replied.

"It did just hit you and what is weed?" Harry asked, interested by what Mr Weasley mentioned.

"Weed is brilliant, you must try some" Mr Weasley said as he thrust the spiff into Harry's mouth and started the car, leaving three dazed Dursleys behind.

Harry tried the spliff and immediately knew life was going to get better as the Anglia left Little Whinging.


	4. Witchcraft and Debauchery

Harry felt absolutely brilliant after the spliff, as the Ford Anglia turned invisible and took off. He assumed that the weed made the car look like it was flying but the car did prove it was rather odd already, so he didn’t dismiss the idea immediately. Harry snapped out of his musings when Mr Weasley gave him an identical copy of the mysterious letter that nearly got him sacrificed to the worst of all the demons. Harry opened it and read the letter

_To Harry Potter,_

_Yer a Wizard ‘Arry! Sorry, Hagrid wanted me to put that in the letter. He was practicing his lines and was rather disappointed that Mr Weasley went to get you. Anyway, you are accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Debauchery, I mean Wizardry._

_Enclosed is a list of all the items and books needed for your first year along with a small gift (don’t tell Minerva I gave you this). We hope to see you at platform 9 and 3/4 on September 1st at 11 o clock._

_Headmaster Albus Dumbledore._

As the letter said, there was an item list along with a small baggie of weed. Mr Weasley was ecstatic with it as Hogwarts grown weed was the best in the country. Harry decided going to Hogwarts was a good idea solely because of that fact.

“Open it Harry and I’ll show you how to roll a joint” Mr Weasley told Harry. Once opened, the weed expanded to three times its original size. Mr Weasley grinned and the Ford Anglia did a barrel roll.

Harry though magic was good.

Once Mr Weasley taught Harry the fine art of rolling a joint, Harry tried some of Pomona’s finest for the first time. Harry felt like he could accomplish anything. In this case, anything involved a can of muggle whipped cream and the rubber duck Mr Weasley was intently staring at.

It took Harry and Mr Weasley 3 days before they finally managed to make it to The Burrow.


	5. The Motherlode

“ArThUr WeAsLeY!” Mrs Weasley yelled as she calmly welcomed Harry to the Burrow. Mr Weasley was in big trouble as he nearly missed the trip to Diagon Alley.

“You’d better not have given Harry any of that ghastly weed you like. It is very bad for you.” Percy pompously told him.

Harry already didn’t like Percy. Nobody liked Percy.

All the present Weasleys and Harry squeezed back into the Ford Anglia which seemed to rev it’s engine in annoyance. The trip to London went far quicker than the one to The Burrow due to the lack of a debauchery filled detour.

They all then went into a random pub. Harry followed the elder Weasleys through the pub, having faith in Mr Weasley that he knew what he was doing. A lot of the patrons gave Harry odd stares but none of them came close to a guy with a purple turban.

“Y-Y-Y-our’e H-H-H-H-ar-r-r-a-r-y P-P-P-o-t-t-t-t-t-er” the man stuttered. Harry raised an eyebrow as Mr Weasley led him away before he could respond. He was glad about this as the man gave him a rather bad headache. Or maybe that was just the weed. Harry hoped it wasn’t the weed.

Once they made it outside the pub, Mr Weasley tapped the bricks and released Mrs Weasley and her brood to Diagon Alley.

Harry was impressed by the magic of the Alley as Mr Weasley led him around. The first stop was Gringotts, a wizarding bank run by goblins. Mr Weasley gave him a spliff as the cart went deeper in the bank towards Harry’s trust vault. Once they arrived, they were greeted by Hagrid unexpectedly.

“Hello ‘Arry, Mr Weasley” Hagrid said as he put something in his pocket. “On a mission fer Dumbledore, canneh’ keep ‘im waitin’.”

As Hagrid left on another cart, the goblin opened Harry’s trust vault. Both Harry’s and Mr Weasley’s eyes widened at the sight. There were piles of galleons, sickles and knuts everywhere, but more importantly, a large pile of weed. They had found the motherlode and Harry could barely contain his excitement. He stuffed as much drugs and money in his pockets as possible and left the vault before Mr Weasley fainted.


	6. Obligatory Shopping Spree

Once they left Gringotts, Harry and Mr Weasley regrouped with the horde of Weasley spawn outside of Flourish and Blotts. Harry was still stoned of course. After the discovery of his inheritance, how could he not be?

“HaRrY pOtTeR!” Mrs Weasley yelled. “wE sHaLl GeT yOuR hOgWaRtS tHiNgS nOw!”

So they entered the store and eventually all books were purchased. Similar events occurred at the other shops in the alley along with many weed breaks for Harry. Eventually they ended up outside of Ollivander’s.

When they entered the shop, they were greeted by a creepy old man.

“Heellloooooo Haaaaaarrrrryyy, I am Olllllivvvaaaannnndeeerr” Ollivander said as he placed an arm around Harry.

“I am here for a wand” Harry briskly said. No amount of weed could make Harry trust Ollivander.

“Dooo yooouuu want toooo see my waaannnd Haaaaaarrrrryyy” Ollivander whispered. Harry immediately said “No” and shuffled away from him.

After blowing up half the shop along with shutting down Ollivander’s advances many times, Harry finally got his wand. According to Ollivander, it was unknown in its capabilities (probably because he was too scared to use Voldemort’s brother wand as a dildo). The wand was 11 inches long and made from Holly wood with a core of a phoenix feather.

Harry paid for the wand, escaped the store and smoked a spliff within a very short period of time. Harry and the rest of the flock of Weasleys made their way to their final destination: Madam Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions.

“Why am I here?” Harry asked. He was met with the sage gaze of Ron Weasley, who was absolutely stoned somehow.

“You need Hogwarts robes. Also, the plot along with most other alternate versions of your life involve an obligatory shopping spree for a new wardrobe after finding out you have a ton of money.” Ron answered. Harry looked confused but accepted the response anyway.

A couple of hours later, Harry had a bunch of new clothes, both wizard and muggle. Ron told him the plot demanded he got new muggle clothes too. Eventually, the congregation of Weasleys and Harry went back to the Burrow.


	7. Rest of Summer Montage

The Burrow was a strange place. It looked like Mrs Weasley duct taped multiple houses together to fit her small army of children. Harry liked The Burrow a lot, mostly because Mr Weasley grew weed behind the shed where the Ford Anglia was stored. He spent a lot of time in the shed with the Ford Anglia. For some reason, Harry felt a connection with it, especially during the one-sided conversations he had with it whilst stoned. Even though the Ford didn’t respond, Harry felt as though it was listening.

It was during one of these talks that Percy pompously poked his head through the door. “You talk to the car as if it was your familiar. You do know it can’t talk to you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong kiddo” the Ford Anglia replied as its headlights flashed in sync with its voice.

“You aren’t supposed to do that! How can you talk?” Percy punctually probed.

“Magic.” The Ford replied. Percy promptly passed out.

Harry and the Ford Anglia talked until it was time for bed. Harry was high as a kite which was a good thing as he did not question what happened next. He entered Ron’s room to find him utterly stoned with a snowy owl on the windowsill.

“Ron, I thought you didn’t have your own owl.” Harry questioned.

“It’s for you. The readers would be very unhappy if you did not get the owl.” Ron replied, completely unfazed by his breaking of the fourth wall. Harry was too stoned to care. He named the owl Hedwig and went to sleep.

The rest of the summer was rather uneventful. Harry spent most of it talking to the Ford Anglia, sleeping and getting high with Mr Weasley or Ron. It was during this time that Harry discovered the potential in selling his weed when Fred and George ran out earlier than expected.

“Harry…”

“We have a request.”

“We want to…”

“…purchase your weed”

And that was how Harry decided to become a drug dealer once he started at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Debauchery.


	8. Expanding the Business

The morning before the younger Weasleys left for Hogwarts always seemed to be extremely chaotic. Harry coped with the mayhem by smoking weed with Mr Weasley behind the shed. Harry had packed the night before, mostly to ensure he didn’t do anything stupid whilst stoned. Eventually, the litter of Weasley spawn packed nearly everything needed at Hogwarts, including a backup kitchen sink. Everyone squeezed into the Ford Anglia and off they went to King’s Cross.

“Why are we standing in front of a random wall?” Harry asked. Even being stoned couldn’t let the fact they had been standing in front of it for five minutes slide past him.

“tHe WaLl Is MaGiC hArRy!” Mrs Weasley shrieked calmly.

Harry nodded in acceptance as the first Weasley child sprinted through the barrier. Once everyone was through, they made their way to the Hogwarts express. Percy purposefully pushed past the others as he got on the Hogwarts express.

“I’m a prefect. I get on first.” Percy proudly proclaimed.

“This is why…” Gred began.

“…nobody likes you” Forge finished.

The Hogwarts express departed from King’s Cross half an hour later. As the train left London a bushy haired girl and a boy entered Harry, Ron, Fred and George’s compartment.

“We are looking for-” the girl started, only to be cut off by the boy.

“Wow, that smells absolutely great. How much?”

“1 galleon for enough to last the trip to Hogwarts” Harry replied. His business was already making profit and he hadn’t even gotten to Hogwarts yet!

The boy introduced himself as Neville and the girl was called Hermione. She was a bit hesitant about her first joint but after a bit of pushing from the twins she tried it. Hermione thought it was brilliant and spurted randomness throughout the journey. Harry and Neville talked business, resulting in Neville being recruited into Harry’s impromptu drug cartel. Finally, the Hogwarts express arrived, and the students found themselves faced with a very large man failing at hiding an equally large spliff.

“Firs’ years over ‘ear” he repeatedly yelled, only taking breaks to smoke his spliff. Harry followed the man, thinking about how he could expand the Potter drug business once he was inside Hogwarts.


	9. HUFFLEPUFF!

Harry entered Hogwarts absolutely stoned, having borrowed some of Hagrid’s. Fred and George were so out of it they went on the boats with the first years to Hogwarts. The first years were led into the great hall by Professor McGonagall.

“The hat will sort you based upon your… personalities” She said, carefully eying the suspicious smoke gathering around Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville.

Fred and George ran off somewhere as a ragged hat began to sing.

 _“Welcome to Hogwarts School,_  
_One of Witchcraft and Debauchery._  
_An adventure of girls and drugs,_  
_Oh, and also some sorcery._

 _The founders created four houses,_  
_To sort the young population._  
_Though they preached teamwork,_  
_The houses promoted segregation._

 _Gryffindor draped in red,_  
_Houses all the good guys._  
_They will aid our protagonist,_  
_And provide support as allies._

 _Slytherin are the antagonists,_  
_Considered to be the bad ones._  
_Nearly all of them are evil,_  
_And even more are death eater sons._

 _Ravenclaw are the smart,_  
_They’re intelligent and wise._  
_Though if you ask them for drugs,_  
_All they spout are lies._

 _Hufflepuff are the final house,_  
_People think they’re just the ‘rest’._  
_But they are actually all stoners,_  
_Which makes the house the best._

 _Now my song comes to a close,_  
_And I hope you enjoy the year._  
_Though if you have any extra drugs,_  
_Make sure to send them this way here.”_

The hall burst into applause, the loudest coming from the smoky table of Hufflepuff. Fred and George ran back into the great hall. Everyone clapped even louder for some reason. The sorting began soon after. Hermione was the first of the stoned to be sorted.

“Hmmm… your sorting is hard enough as it is, but now you are stoned. So, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.” The Sorting Hat mused.

Hermione pulled out another joint.

“HUFFLEPUFF!” The Sorting Hat shouted triumphantly, forgetting to sound unbiased. Neville was soon after but was selected as a Hufflepuff before he even sat down.

“Harry Potter!” McGonagall yeeted, and Harry cartwheeled up to the chair.

“You are obviously another Hufflepuff, but I wanted to quickly congratulate you for your dealings thus far.” The Sorting Hat told Harry before shouting Hufflepuff. The cheers and shouts from the stoners was deafening as Harry took a seat. Ron ended up in Gryffindor because he wanted to be with his older brothers, though Percy’s proud presence made him briefly reconsider. The Hufflepuffs passed around a bong as Dumbledore began to stand up...


	10. Snape's Meth Lab

“Welcome to Hogwarts!” Dumbledore began, but he fell over before he could continue.

“I have some announcements to make. The forbidden forest is forbidden unless you are searching for drugs. The third floor corridor is also forbidden, unfortunately there are no drugs up there.” Dumbledore continued after getting back up. The Hufflepuffs were upset by the lack of drugs on the third floor.

“Now, without any further ado, it is time for food-“ Dumbledore abruptly finished before backflipping out of one of the windows in the great hall whilst pulling out a massive bong.

Harry decided to follow Dumbledore. Hermione and Neville went after Harry as well. Harry, Hermione, Neville and Dumbledore spent the night getting stoned together at the top of the astronomy tower.

The next day, the trio went to the great hall to collect their timetables. They found out they had potions first. Gred and Forge told them that they would probably spend the lesson making meth.

“Welcome to my meth lab” Snape said, carefully eyeing the Hufflepuffs in the room.

“Today, we shall explore the subtle science of making meth. If I find out any of it is missing, there shall be… consequences.” Snape warned.

“I’ll give you a baggie of weed if you can steal some of his meth.” Harry whispered to Hermione who nodded in acceptance. Neville just lit another spliff.

“Instructions are on the board. Begin” Snape told the class, retreating back to his desk.

Meth making went surprising well for most of the class. Except for Neville who managed to end up with Ketamine instead. Snape sneered at him but accepted it nonetheless. Ketamine was valuable for his business. Professor Flitwick favoured Ketamine over other drugs. While Snape was admiring the Ketamine, Hermione smuggled some of a blonde Slytherin’s meth and rolled out the dungeons.

Harry and Neville made a hasty retreat before Snape noticed his missing meth. The trio met outside the Hufflepuff common room. Harry and Hermione traded drugs and they all got high with some older Hufflepuff called Cedric Diggory.


	11. Acquiring Stock

The next day, Harry, Hermione and Neville left the Hufflepuff common room. They were heading to herbology when Hermione noticed something horrific.

The trio were almost out of weed.

“Harry, we have nearly exhausted our weed supplies. We must get more!” Hermione declared, rationing her remaining spliff.

“We will deal with this later, but we must get to Herbology now” Harry replied, scheming to replace the used up weed. Herbology was in the greenhouses so they had to run to make it on time.

“Hello there, welcome to herbology. Today, we will be harvesting some weed” Professor Sprout told the class of Hufflepuffs and Slytherins. Harry was very happy about the lesson plan, sharing a joint with Hermione and Neville.

“Potter. It is I. Draco Malfoy.” A blonde Slytherin told Harry, confidently approaching him.

“I offer you an alliance between two superior wizards.” Draco continued, eying Harry’s weed.

“Thank” Harry said.

“We shall go on a noble quest to vanquish the evil drugs from Hogwarts! Now, we must rid ourselves of the squib and the mudblood!” Draco said. Hermione looked sad. Neville passed her the joint and she immediately perked up.

“Sorry, but I don’t want to associate myself with someone who disses the drugs” Harry replied.

“Also, it’s weird that you keep on being found having sexual relations with that muggle toaster” Neville added.

Hermione nodded encouragingly.

Draco stormed off, flanked by the larger boys. Harry, Neville and Hermione went off to harvest the weed. Neville was by far the best at it, providing the other two with advice. Soon, the lesson ended and as the trio was about to leave, Professor Sprout called them over.

“You three seem to have an affinity with the weed. 100,000 points to Hufflepuff for your work.” She said, looking at Neville specifically.

“I also have a proposition for you. I love growing weed but am a bit too old to deal it to the entire population of students. Can you do it for me if we split the profits and you can keep some of the weed for free?” She asked. Harry accepted immediately and Neville and Hermione lit another spliff in happiness.

The trio tap danced out of the greenhouse with new drugs to sell.


	12. Flying High

Harry, Hermione and Neville were going to Hagrid’s hut to get stoned when they were stopped by some of the Weasley horde.

“Are you…” Gred began.

“…going to get stoned?” Forge finished.

“Yep, you want to join us?” Harry asked them. The Weasleys agreed and the group left the castle. Hagrid’s hut had smoke billowing out the chimney. Harry hoped the smoke was from Hagrid’s weed. Neville knocked on the door and Hagrid opened it.

“Hello ‘Arry, Neville, Hermione and miscellaneous Weasley children.” Hagrid said, letting them in. Hermione noticed a newspaper that mentioned a Gringotts break in but thought nothing of it, instead she was more interested in the article talking about Draco’s shenanigans with a toaster. Neville interrupted her reading by passing her Hagrid’s crudely made bong. They all got stoned together for the rest of the evening.

The trio were in flying class the next day. Madam Hooch had left the class unsupervised with just a warning of expulsion if they flew. Draco had decided to steal Neville’s weed in what he called his first move against the wicked stoners of Hufflepuff. Harry obviously defended his friend, but mostly because Draco had his weed.

“You will thank me for my valiant actions one day Potter. You won’t be able to find this sinful substance in the forbidden forest!” Draco exclaimed as he yeeted the weed as far as he could. Harry was extremely stoned, so he was able to shoot off on his broom and catch the weed before it was lost to the forest.

The Hufflepuff students cheered loudly.

Harry returned Neville’s weed and was about to roll another joint when he was interrupted by Professor Sprout. Harry wasn’t worried about being expelled as Sprout would understand his intentions. He was led down to the dungeons where she got Cedric Diggory, the third year Hufflepuff he got stoned with a couple of nights ago.

After a short conversation with him, Harry was telling Neville and Hermione the story of how he became the backup seeker for the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. The trio got high in celebration. Somehow Dumbledore got involved during the night and gave them 42,000 points for Hufflepuff.


	13. Dumbledore's Secret Stash

After the past couple of months, Harry’s drug dealing business had become highly profitable, after using Fred and George to expand his consumer base to include the third year Hufflepuffs and some Gryffindors. Hermione, who Harry named as the treasurer of Potter’s Pot (Neville came up with the name) had a rather large pile of knuts, sickles and galleons in her trunk. Harry thought his life at Hogwarts was going very nicely. Well, until Draco showed up that is.

“Greetings Potter, I have come to fulfil my valiant quest. Meet me in the trophy room at midnight so I can show you the error of your ways.” Draco exclaimed, before walking off.

“Harry, you shouldn’t go, being out past curfew is against the rules.” Hermione said.

 “Screw the rules, I have money.” Harry told her, knowing he could bribe Filch with drug money.

Harry, Hermione and Neville left Hufflepuff common room later that night and were almost late getting to the trophy room after stopping for a quick weed break. The trio got to the entrance when they heard an odd noise. Neville peeked around the corner, only to see Draco doing something questionable with a toaster. Draco saw Neville and ran off into the shadows.

“Welp, there goes our plans for the night” Neville informed them. Harry looked disappointed at the news.

“Ok, lets get stoned instead” Harry said. Hermione enthusiastically agreed but their shenanigans were interrupted by the approaching of Filch.

“Mr Malfoy come out. I heard what you were doing with that toaster” Filch yelled, turning back down the corridor. The trio snuck out a few moments later and ran away. They eventually ended up in a disused corridor.

“Harry, this is the third floor corridor. The one Professor Dumbledore said was forbidden” Hermione told Harry.

“I know, lets see what is here.” Harry replied as he walked further down it, until he reached a door. He opened the door, only to close it soon after as a three headed dog tried to eat him. None of them wanted to become dog food. Dog food couldn’t get stoned.

“That’s why the corridor is forbidden.” Hermione chastised, as they leapfrogged back to the Hufflepuff common room.

“The dog was guarding a trapdoor, I bet it is Dumbledore’s secret stash.” Harry responded, scheming to get some of Dumbledore’s drugs. Surely his guarded stash would be far superior than the usual Hogwarts weed.


	14. More Favouritism

In the great hall a few days later, Hermione, Neville and Harry were telling Ron about Dumbledore’s stash. Harry needed Ron’s… Ron-ness for the heist. Ron agreed with this. Harry was about to discuss the first draft of his plan to steal Dumbledore’s drugs when loads of owls burst into the great hall. Harry was shocked to see an owl drop a rather long package onto his lap but was even more baffled when it made off with an entire plate of bacon somehow. The package had a note tied to it, so Harry read it, while rolling a joint.

_Dear Harry,_

_I heard you became the reserve Hufflepuff seeker recently. A feat like that deserves recognition. Have 69,000 points for Hufflepuff. I decided to purchase you a broom as you don’t have one already. It’s a Nimbus 2000, which I believe is the best broom on the market right now. Though you are not the starting seeker, I look forward to seeing you on that broom._

_From Headmaster Dumbledore._

As the note said, the package contained a broom. Ron was ecstatic about quidditch despite supporting Gryffindor, Neville was happy for Harry and Hermione was just stoned. They were interrupted by Professor McGonagall, reminding them they needed to get to their lessons.

The four first years ran into Charms class just in time, though they did manage to pass a bong around on the way. Charms went surprisingly well for the Hufflepuffs, as all three of them managed to learn the levitation charm with few problems. Ron struggled with it so Hermione decided to help him.

“It’s Wingardium Leviosa, not Wingardium LeviosssssssAAAAAARRRRR.” Hermione lectured, before demonstrating the levitation charm. Professor Flitwick was impressed and gave Hermione 1,000 points for Hufflepuff, probably on Dumbledore’s orders. The lesson ended after that. Harry and Neville were waiting for Hermione when they heard Ron complaining about her to another Gryffindor.

“Hermione bossy” Ron told Seamus who nodded in agreement.

Hermione ran away crying.

“Why did you do that?” Harry asked angrily.

“The plot requires Hermione to run away crying so you can save her and get 100,000 points for Hufflepuff” Ron told him.

For some reason, Harry understood completely and went off to find her. Neville dragged Ron along too in their quest to save Hermione.


	15. Trippin' a Troll

The remainder of the day was spent searching for Hermione and getting stoned. Being high improved Harry’s searching ability so they had many weed breaks. Eventually, Ron made them all go to the great hall. He said it was for the plot, but Harry knew Ron was just hungry. The group sat down at the Hufflepuff table and passed a bong around to calm their nerves. Neville was just about to give Harry the bong when Professor Quirrell bust into the great hall.

“T-t-t-t-t-t-ro-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ll in-n-n-n-n-n th-th-th-the d-d-d-d-d-ungeo-n-n-n-n-n-n!” He shouted, before dramatically fainting. The student body descended into panic. Except for the Hufflepuffs. They just continued to get stoned.

“SSSSSSIIIIIIIILLLLLEEEEENNNNCCCEEEE!!!!!” Dumbledore shouted calmly, cartwheeling into the great hall.

“We must find Hermione. The troll might take her weed!” Neville said. The trio Naruto ran out of the great hall to find her. Ron used his convenient knowledge of the plot to locate her and they went to the first floor girls bathroom. Hermione was crying, not because of Ron’s insult, but because she was out of weed. Harry cheered her up by sharing his joint with her. Their moment of happiness was cut short when a troll walked in. Harry knew they were no match for a troll and decided to grab Neville and Hermione and ran away. Ron followed them out of the bathroom just in time as the troll chased after them. They realised quite quickly that a first year could not outrun a troll. The troll was almost in kiddie killing range when Mr Weasley’s Ford Anglia drove down the corridor, stopping just in front of them. The car’s horn played ‘Take on Me’ as the four Hogwarts students jumped in and it drove off.

“Wat do?” Neville asked, looking behind them. The troll was gaining fairly quickly as the Ford burst out into the viaduct courtyard. Harry had a plan.

“Hermione, did you ever see that movie, Star Wars?” Harry asked the only person who would get his reference.

“Which one?” She asked, passing Harry’s spliff back to him.

“The one with the walkers on the snow planet. We need to tie the troll’s legs!” Harry responded.

The spell was a highly advanced one, but Harry took a large breath of weed in and used plot convenient magic to attach ropes to the troll’s legs. Hermione drove the Ford Anglia, drove around the troll in a circle and the troll fell over. As the group were stoned, they did a collective victory screech. Dumbledore appeared soon after.

“A highly impressive feat for such young people. 100 points to Gryffindor and 1,000,000 points to Hufflepuff!” Dumbledore said, pulling out some weed. The Hufflepuff trio, Ron and Dumbledore all got stoned together, using the Ford Anglia to commit lots of high debauchery across the whole of Hogsmeade.


	16. Snape Bad

Harry was wandering around Hogwarts, engaging in dodgy activities on his own. Hermione and Neville were tasked with calculating profits for Potter’s Pot. As chief executive, Harry could delegate jobs to others within the company. In this case, he didn’t have to spend the evening counting money and was free to participate in weed enhanced shenanigans. After his sixty ninth spliff, Harry thought it would be a brilliant idea to dropkick Snape off the astronomy tower. And so he did. Harry yeeted Snape off the astronomy tower for no discernible reason.

“Potter. I demand your weed.” Snape said, using his evil death eater magic to fly back up. Harry handed over the drugs after engaging in a T pose war with Snape. Snape used his superior arm length to assert his dominance over Harry who retreated into the shadows.

“Why are we sneaking into Snape’s meth lab?” asked Hermione, the night after Snape stole Harry’s weed.

“I want my weed back, also to steal more of Snape’s drugs” Harry replied. Hermione still needed convincing, so Harry passed her a spliff. The trio finally reached the dungeons and entered Snape’s meth lab. Their raid was very anticlimactic because Snape wasn’t even there so Harry, Neville and Hermione grabbed all of Snape’s meth supply along with Harry’s weed. They proceeded to pirouette out the meth lab and back to the Hufflepuff common room. However, as they turned around the corner, they saw Filch and Snape talking.

“Dumbledore’s dog bit me” Snape told Filch.

“Lmao” Filch said. The trio snuck off, having heard enough. They knew Snape wasn’t just after Harry’s weed, but Dumbledore’s too. They knew they must get to Dumbledore’s stash before Snape did, but first, they needed to get past the three headed doggo.

The next day, they met Ron in the great hall, eating seventy six plates of bacon at once. Harry asked Ron about the three headed dog as Ron knew everything.

“Ask Hagrid” he told them as he ate another thirty three plates of bacon. Harry, Hermione and Neville got stoned while they waited for Hagrid, eventually deciding to wait until tomorrow to ask him so they could spend the day selling drugs.


	17. The Pig of Hufflepuff

The next couple of weeks were rather quiet for the trio. Harry, Neville and Hermione many drugs to students and made a lot of money. After exactly seventeen quidditch training montages, he was deemed ready to be the Hufflepuff reserve seeker. The Hufflepuff Ravenclaw match was dominated by the stoned Puffs. Harry made a lot of money selling drugs in the crowd and during the Hufflepuff party afterwards.

The next morning, Harry was rudely awoken by Ron.

“You must see Hagrid. The plot demands it.” Ron told him, before sliding out the dormitory. Harry took a hit from his emergency bong and left for Hagrid’s crack shack. Ron followed Harry outside of the castle. He knocked on the door.

“Harry my boy, welcome!” Dumbledore greeted. Harry looked visibly confused.

“You must be wondering why I am here. You see, Hagrid is currently unavailable. I sent him to collect some exotic drugs from Albania. Of course, he needs a replacement, so I am acquainting them with Hagrid’s responsibilities. Suddenly, the pig of Hufflepuff trotted into view. It pulsed like a giant bullfrog.

“Your training is completed; you are Hagrid now!” Dumbledore proclaimed, placing his hand on the pig of Hufflepuff’s head. He then Naruto ran away to the forbidden forest.

“So, Hagrid. What is the three headed dog in the third floor corridor?” Harry asked.

The pig of Hufflepuff turned and looked at Harry. It responded with a large pulse. Luckily for the plot, Ron was fluent in bullfrog and translated.

“It’s Fluffy. It will not hurt thee, though when hearing music, it becomes sleepy.” The pig of Hufflepuff told them.

“Why is it there?” He probed.

“It is guarding something of Nicholas Flamel’s. Wait, I shouldn’t ‘av said that. You must forget everything I said. Dumbledore tasked me with protecting that information. You’re in too deep at this point. YOU CANNOT LEAVE HERE ALIVE!!!” The pig of Hufflepuff pulsed violently whilst trying to hold Hagrid’s umbrella. By this point, the pig was pulsing far quicker than Ron could translate so he just shrugged.

“Aww, how c00t. It thinks it is threatening” Harry cooed. The pig tried to cast a spell at Harry but missed completely, turning a cauldron offensively yellow. Once it realised that the spell missed, the pig gave an almighty pulse.

“What did Hagrid say?” Harry questioned.

“Something about your left testicle being crushed by an angry hippogriff.” Ron translated. Harry decided Hagrid needed some calming down time and left him be. Ron passed him a joint as they went to find the others.


	18. Christmas

 It was nearing Christmas at Hogwarts, as many of the students prepared for the journey home to their families. Most of these preparations involved getting stoned. Hermione was one of those people. This combined with a lot of their customers leaving made the Christmas holiday itself unprofitable for Potter’s Pot, though it was worth it for the sheer amount of drug sales in early December.

“I must go. My people need me” Hermione said and flew off into the muggle world.

Harry woke up on Christmas morning to the smell of weed. Neville was testing out a bong gifted to him from Ron. Harry joined them and engaged in a present opening montage. He received crack from Hagrid, weed from Neville, meth smuggled from Snape’s meth lab from Hermione and some lemon drops that weren’t lemon flavoured and were actually just solidified ketamine from Dumbledore. He also got a nifty cloak from an unknown person. It didn’t go very well with his current outfit so Harry decided to try it on later.

The rest of the day went very well. They had Christmas dinner in the great hall, got stoned together, threw snowballs and the pig of Hufflepuff who pulsed viciously at them as well as other festive activities. Later that evening, Ron threw the cloak over Harry.

“I am speeding up the plot” Ron told him and promptly left.

“Harry, you are invisible!” Neville said.

“Neat, a sneaky cloak” Harry excitedly yelled. He turned around a walked out the dormitory.

“Where are you going?” Asked Neville.

“Late night drug enhanced shenanigans.” Harry explained.

During Harry’s stoned exploration of the castle, he encountered Ron who pointed at a door. He walked in and saw a large mirror.

“I AM THE MIRROR OF ERISED! LOOK AT ME TO SEE YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES!” The mirror bellowed. Harry looked at the mirror and saw a lot of drugs and money. Smiling at this, he turned around and left the room. Harry wasn’t looking where he was going and walked straight into Dumbledore. They both spontaneously decided to get even more stoned together.

Somehow, during the night, Snape’s meth lab had been expanded to fit a mini quidditch pitch inside and contained the aftermath of a match using an enlarged bezoar as a quaffle. Dumbledore denied any involvement in it whatsoever.


	19. Tragedy of Nicholas Flamel the Stoned

By now, Hermione had returned. Harry abused this to increase drug sales and to find out who this Flamel guy was. Ron said he was important. But what wasn’t important was the forced Quidditch training Harry had to attend, despite Gryffindor not having a seeker whatsoever. In the end, Gryffindor forfeited their second match of the Quidditch season.

“That was anticlimactic.” Commented Harry as he rolled a joint.

“You being in Hufflepuff has caused a plot hole as none of the current Gryffindors want to play seeker.” Ron explained. Harry was about to question his response when Madam Pince leered over them.

“Greetings, fellow, bzzt, carbon-based lifeforms identified as humans. It is against library rule 68-b to smoke restricted substances in the library. You are required to vacate the premises or, bzzt, face potential expulsion from this school.” She said in a monotonous voice. As Harry and Ron left, Madam Pince walked into a bookshelf.

“Bzzt. Pathfinding algorithm error 13. Rebooting system” Madam Pince droned, before collapsing. Hermione caught up to Harry and Ron soon after, carrying a book.

“It’s called ‘Convenient Plot Devices and where to find them’ by Ned Salamander. It conveniently contains everything we need to know about Flamel. Convenient, isn’t it?”

“Very convenient. What does it say?” Harry asked.

“It’s not a story Professor Binns would tell you. It’s a Hufflepuff legend. Nicholas Flamel was a drug dealer, so powerful and stoned, he could use the Philosopher’s Stone to create… a high. He had such a knowledge of the drugs, he could even keep the ones he cared about, stoned. The Philosopher’s Stone is a pathway to many drug trips some consider to be unnatural. He became so stoned, the only thing he was afraid about was losing the Philosopher’s Stone, which eventually of course he did. Unfortunately, he taught Dumbledore everything he knew, then Dumbledore stole the stone in his sleep. Ironic, he could save others from being sober, but not himself.” Hermione read.

“Is it possible to obtain the stone?” Harry inquired.

“Not from a drug dealer.” Hermione replied.

And that was how the quest to discover Dumbledore’s hidden stone began. Neville wondered why the search had taken up about five months, but Ron explained that it was just a convenient time jump to skip past events irrelevant to the plot of ‘Harry Potter and the Ford Ex Machina’.


	20. Oh Noes, Not My Schmoes...

It was now May and the Philosopher’s Stone was nowhere to be seen. Hermione had done an extensive background check on Dumbledore (which seemed very dodgy at times), after which they searched everywhere that was of importance to him. Ron asked some of his family to help in the quest by looking outside of Hogwarts. Harry had taken to looking for the stone after curfew under his invisibility cloak.

“This cloak reeks!” Harry said to nobody in particular, realising the cloak hadn’t been washed for months.

“Indeed it does” Filch replied, having pulled a sneaky on Harry.

“Heck. I have been bested.” Harry sulked as he was dragged down the hall. Somehow, through a sheer amount of bad luck, Filch bumped into Ron, Hermione and Neville getting high in the astronomy tower. To balance out their bad luck, they were all just given detention the next night. Said detention was with temporary Hagrid as regular Hagrid was still in Albania.

“Apparently we are going into the forbidden forest for our detention, despite being banned from entering there and it being an illegal punishment for me because I’m pure blooded.” Ron translated as Malfoy got thrown through Hagrid’s window by a disgruntled Professor McGonagall.

The pig of Hufflepuff led Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Draco into the forbidden forest. They encountered a dead unicorn. The pig of Hufflepuff pulsed like a bullfrog as it consumed the unicorn whole.

“It says it is already a cursed creature so it can devour unicorns without any drawbacks.” Ron told them. They all decided to split up to continue looking for the stone. Harry and Ron went off in one direction whilst the others walked in the other.

“I’m hungry.” Ron declared before pulling out a large pack of marshmallows and lighted a fire. Harry gathered some sticks and the two gorged themselves on smores.

Suddenly, a cloaked man approached them, waving his arms about and doing some kind of frenzied tapdance.

“HE’S AFTER MY SHMOES HARRY!” Ron screamed.

“They’re called SMORES Ron.” Harry deadpanned.

“Right, my delicious, hot schmoes.” Ron corrected. The man was within touching distance and made a grab for Harry, only to be driven back by a blue speeding object ramming into him. The man scuttled off further into the woods.

“The Ford Anglia saved us!” Harry cheered. As he climbed in, he looked at Ron who was on the verge of tears.

“Oh noes, not my schmoes…” Ron whimpered, pointing at the bag of marshmallows that ended up in the fire during the chaos.

“F” Harry comforted, placing a hand on Ron’s shoulder.


	21. Speedrunning

Harry was sneaking around Hogwarts after curfew because Ron told him it would advance the plot. As he was about to whip out a spliff, Harry heard voices down the hall. Harry donned his cloak and moved closer to listen.

“Dumbledore is conveniently away from the school, why are you near the third floor corridor which houses the stone?” Snape asked, cornering Professor Quirrel.

“B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ecaus-s-s-s-s-s-se y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you a-a-a-a-a-re h-h-h-h-h-h-e-e-e-e-e-e-re” Quirrel stuttered.

“You are after the stone!” accused Snape.

“N-n-n-n-n-no -y-y-y-y-y-ou.” Quirrel told him. The two professors promptly started flailing their arms at each other and fought. Harry went back to the Hufflepuff common room. He woke up Hermione and Neville, grabbed Ron and ran to the third floor corridor.

“Snape is after the stone! He said it is here.” Harry explained to the other three.

“We must get the stone then!” Hermione said, before running into the room. A few seconds later, she popped out again covered in dog slobber. The four mutually decided to go in the room together. And so they did. The three headed doggo was displeased with them being there and gave the four a disgruntled look.

“Over there, a harp!” Neville exclaimed, pointing to the corner of the room.

“That must be how Snape got past the doggo. We need something to make music with.” Hermione said. Just then, the Ford Anglia drove into the room. Harry had an idea and turned on the Ford’s radio. The doggo immediately fell asleep to ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’.

“Get in the Ford.” Harry whispered. The four jumped in the Ford Anglia as it drove down the trapdoor, smashing past some sort of plant.

“Faster! We need the stone!” Neville shouted. The Ford Anglia sped up and crashed through door after door. Each room was stranger than the last and seemed to be challenges of sorts. The students didn’t dwell on this for long as they were cheating anyway. As Ron passed a bong to Neville, the Ford Anglia abruptly stopped in front of a doorway of black flames.

“Now this looks like a job for me!” Hermione stated. As she was solving the potion riddle to get through the flames, the Ford Anglia just smashed into the wall next to it.

“The stone must be in here.” Hermione deduced as she followed Harry, Ron and Neville into the final room


	22. Battle for the Stone

The four stoners walked into the room. The Mirror of Erised was towards the back and Professor Quirrell was gazing into it. Quirrel turned around at the sound of Harry approaching.

“Y-y-y-y-y-y-ou th-th-thought-t-t-t-t-t it-t-t-t w-w-w-w-was S-S-Snap-p-pe. It-t-t w-w-w-was ac-c-c-ctually-y-y-y-y-y m-m-me!” Professor Quirrel stuttered, before dramatically revealing a face hidden In his turban.

Hermione gasped emphatically.

“What is this new devilry?” Neville asked Harry.

“Voldemort, a demon of the wizarding world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!” Harry told the other three, who only took a couple of steps back. He felt an unexpected weight in his pocket, which turned out to be the stone. Harry grinned and chucked it at Ron.

“You cannot pass.” He told Voldemort. Voldemort raised the part of his face where normal people had an eyebrow. A blazing light radiated from Harry’s wand as he began to cast.

“I am the servant of the secret car, wielder of the sentient Anglia of Ford. The dark magic will not avail you! Ford of plot armour!” Harry chanted as Voldemort tried to cast a bone breaker to distract Harry who parried it with a shield spell.

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Harry shouted, striking his wand on the ground.

“Avada keda---” Voldemort attempted to kill Harry but was hit by a magically enhanced Ford Anglia.

“Looks like you’re going to the Shadow Realm, Jimbo.” He said, but Voldemort vomited some smoke which formed into the words ‘oh I don’t think so’ and left.

“We did it, Harry!” Hermione celebrated. Neville and Ron gave him a hearty pat on the back, which caused Harry to promptly fall into unconsciousness due to the after effects of such a powerful spell.

Ron, Neville and Hermione yeeted Harry into the back of the Ford Anglia and drove to the hospital wing, keeping Harry somewhat awake with a spliff.

“How did Harry learn those spells?” Hermione asked Ron because Ron was all knowing.

“I told him to practice a few during the convenient time jump between chapters nineteen and twenty which was there all along for this purpose and not just because the author came up with the stupid idea at 2am.” Ron elaborated.

Hermione nodded sceptically, wondering how it could get any worse in their second year.


	23. End of a Year

Harry woke up a few days later in the hospital wing. He was surrounded by get well soon cards, chocolates and drugs. He was about to reach for his bong when Dumbledore burst in.

“Harry. Did you get the Philosopher’s Stone?” Dumbledore shouted calmly as he yeeted a random student out the window.

“No sir.” Harry replied as Dumbledore approached.

“Did you get one of your friends to do it for you?” Dumbledore accused calmly, kicking Mrs Norris down a flight of stairs that just appeared.

“No, I didn’t.” Harry truthfully told him. Dumbledore immediately calmed down even more. He then gave Harry 123,456,789 house points and left sullenly. Harry understood Dumbledore’s sadness, but he needed the stone more.

Eventually, it was time for the leaving feast, so Harry went to the great hall. He was met by Ron, Hermione and Neville who passed him a spliff. The four walked into the hall and sat down to eat.

“Now, before we begin to eat, we must do all the house point stuff.” Dumbledore announced.

“In joint last place, are Gryffindor, Slytherin and Ravenclaw on 0 points after some last-minute adjustments. In second place is Hufflepuff and finally, through no favouritism whatsoever or any attempt to guilt trip him out of giving me the Philosopher’s Stone is Harry Potter!” Dumbledore revealed. Hufflepuff celebrated with drugs whilst the other three houses looked visibly confused.

The entirety of Hogwarts consumed the feast (and many drugs) and after a long night of drunken, stoned debauchery, the end of the year arrived. Everyone boarded the Hogwarts Express except Harry who was yanked back by Dumbledore.

“Harry, I really need the stone.” Dumbledore told him. Harry dramatically emptied his pockets, showing a lack of the Philosopher’s Stone.

“Is it under your cloak?” Dumbledore probed, reaching out for it. Suddenly, the Ford Anglia stopped by Harry. Ron grabbed and pulled him in as the Ford flew off into the distance with the four members of Potters Pot, leaving a larger trail of ‘smoke’ than the Hogwarts express ever could.

Dumbledore cursed the stone and went off to get stoned with fake Hagrid who still exists in ‘Harry Potter and the Ford Ex Machina’.


End file.
